:FLOATING BLISS:
I idealised Sweden
into a fantasy.
It was one Saturday night while I lay in my bed facing the
wall feeling sorry for myself, that I announced 'I will live in
Sweden' in the near future for at least some extended period of time. Still
feeling the effects of a recent breakup with a beautiful yet mentally unstable
girl, of whom I did not love but nonetheless felt the painful effects of sudden
loneliness which a breakup instigates, and worse, the severe division of a once
great friendship group (which I highly undervalued and did not appreciate) by
the Achilles heel if most young men – a stupid, stupid girl. I felt I
had not a true, like for like friend in the world.
Except maybe in Sweden, a girl I had met 2 years prior. She seemed
like the one person in the world who was most similar to me, to whom I could
say anything, and at times words were not required; there was a special
connection, on a subatomic level one might say. She was, I suppose, that person
I was always searching for.
I had it once, a friend I made in high school. We became
friends and had a group of friends who were united for the mere fact we did not
belong anywhere else in high school social hierarchy. We agreed on so many fundamental
levels, spent our days laughing at normal people, it was great. However as with
many good things it was not to last, we have since drifted apart for no real
reason.
I have since realised my idea of friendship had simply not
adapted to my surroundings as I grew older. Friendship is an ever evolving,
dynamic term with different meanings to different people, and I failed to see
that, I failed to adapt. A true friend takes years of relationship building. A
true friend sticks around. The best thing about a true friend is that you don’t
have to make with that annoying small talk, you can talk about real things.
My idealised view of friendship was stuck in the past, in
the good old teen days when hanging out with friends and deciding how to kill
the time with what little to no money you had was the only thing on your mind.
Spending days planning how to get the next supply of alcohol, discussing new
music from around the world no one had heard of, killing time waiting at bus
stops on Sundays. Bikes, parks, house parties, pools, video games, music, 3-way
chat on your parent’s landline.
I believed there must be more truly like-minded people out there.
I have lived in one district, of one city, in one country. There are billions of people out there, thousands
of cities and after 8 weeks travelling around Western Europe I had met at least
one.
Ultimately I left thinking the grass was greener on the
other side (of the world) in the country of Sweden which I had idealised into a
fantasy dream land. In truth Sweden became an obsession for me, something to
think and dream about when the life I was living was in a trough on the
rollercoaster that is life. It was a place to escape to mentally, dream of my
ideal life in a distant and perfect country while staring at the white walls of
my three sided office cubical. Leave all my baggage and sorrows behind – which in truth, I
have come to realise, follows you wherever you are unless you deal with them
mentally, on a most uncomfortable level.
I left for Sweden because I was in a comfortable
relationship with a girl (I might have loved) but didn't see us lasting, and a
job which would lead my life down a path I didn't want to go down – a path
where family did not come first. I came with the intent of following my chosen
profession of engineering but perhaps subconsciously I had no intent of following
it. As it turns out the booming industry in Norway which I was certain to find
a job is currently in the beginning of a downturn.
I thought all I wanted in life was happiness, but I realise
all I want is true freedom. I find it hard to believe that is truly possible
when you are working 50 hours a week so that you can fit into a disposable,
consumer society that has been created for us by people who want our money.
I wish to lead a truly free life, one where I am not subject
to the constraints of the modern world. That being said, I was raised in a city
and technology has always surrounded me, (at this stage) I’m not about to give
up my laptop and digital camera, but I would happily forego unnecessary items in
return for time spent living. We live in
a disposable world, a consumer society; everyone wants every dollar you earn.
I don't know if I have the courage to live the truly free
life which so few in this world do. I did move half way around the world,
swapping hemispheres, to a city I've never been to, without a job, without a care
– as I could feel deep down it was simply something that needed to be done.
That took a lot of personal courage in itself, and perhaps by continuing along these
stepping stones I can create my own path to personal freedom, rather than
following the path that has been set for me by the people who set out to
control the masses with fear and war.
When people asked why, I told people what they wanted to
hear depending on the person and in turn lied to (and confused) myself. I couldn’t
keep track of the difference between the reasons that were extensions of the
truth and the actual truth. In truth I don’t think I really knew/know. I had the strongest feeling, this voice telling me to jump and it wouldn’t go away, moving
became a burning desire. So I jumped.
Somebody I worked with, a highly conservative, very clever
and articulated guy, once snickered at the thought of people traveling to Europe
to "discover themselves".
He believed people should not quit a good job that they did
not enjoy to continue to search for a job that better suited them. Rather stick
with it—who cares if you are unhappy, you are contributing to society and that
in itself should be rewarding enough. As he enjoys his job, I find it hard for
him to relate to someone who is searching for their role in this world.
I propose he did not take into consideration that when you
remove the distractions of daily life, add a sense of adventure and experience
new places and new people, experience social solitude, only then can you truly think
and contemplate the most important questions in your life. You are not a slave
that must contribute to society in the way that we have been programmed to do –
we are all unique and have unique ways of contributing to the greater good of
society.
I do not regret coming here. It is so much harder to regret
doing something, big or small, successful or not, than to not have done it at
all - and spend the rest of your years wondering what if. In 3 weeks I have
learnt more about life than in the past 3 years. The lack of
distractions in the form of work and the general minor issues that plague life,
increased contact with nature, decreased proximity to nature and social
solitude, have all played a vital part in my ability to achieve an increased
state of awareness and while contemplating and reflecting in this
atmosphere I have been able to learnt more about life.
I have begun yoga meditation, had the time to read and reflect on many self-improvement,
self-exploration articles and have been fortunate enough to appreciate nature a new
wilderness different to that of my home country. I have met amazing people of
different genres, and although they have merely come in and out of my life as a
cameo appearance on a television show, it is always great to meet new people.
Though I wish to make great lasting friends, I think the
solitude I will inevitably experience in a world where social importance is dominant,
will give me the time to reflect and learn more about myself and my life. For
you cannot truly love others until you love yourself.
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